Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A Better Place
Tonight I find the phrase "a better place" bouncing around in my brain. I have struggled to discern what I feel when this phrase is used, because it is used often. On the one hand I have to believe that Jonah is in "a better place." The alternatives are unacceptable. My heart would plunge into despair if I believed for a moment that his existence ceased, or that he could be somewhere worse. My hope for heaven and reunion is what keeps me moving forward. It should bring me comfort to know that he is somewhere without pain, without heartache, full of love and beauty. Sometimes it does.
But usually when I hear people say that Jonah is in a better place, my immediate unfiltered thought is "what place could be better than here in my arms, in my home, in our family." I still miss him so much. My mind cannot fully comprehend "a better place". There are days when the phrase makes me feel selfish for craving my little one.
Please understand that I am grateful for the kind words spoken, for the difficult effort, the service given and the shared hope of "a better place." But sometimes it is easy to rely on common phrases in difficult conversations. I have relied on those phrases myself. I am especially grateful for friends and neighbors who come without too much explanation or consolation, but rather listening ears and open hearts. They allow me to be here, in this difficult place, without hurrying towards eternity.