Motherhood

This morning I read a passage from my journal.  It is from September 28, 2011 the day before Jonah died.  First I wrote about all the amazing things Jonah did that day.  He climbed the highest stairs to the highest slide at the playground, learned to suck through a straw, and signed "dog" when he spotted a puppy.  Incredible right? As soon as Jonah was born my journal became about him, with only moments of me in between.  That day I happened to write these words about myself:

As for me, when people ask what I've been up to I can't think of anything.  I'm busy all day and do a lot, but not much to talk about.  Jonah is my life now.  Everything I do is for him, and I don't mind. 

When Jonah was born I began losing myself.  Each day he lived I learned to give up a little more of what I thought fulfilled me in exchange for what he needed from me.  I gave up going to lunch with friends at the drop of a hat.  I gave up professional achievement.  I gave up sleeping in.  I gave up shopping for clothes, and I gave up going on adventures to exotic places.  I'm pretty sure I gave up important parts of my brain.  

In exchange I got sleepless nights and days, dirty diapers, poop in the bathtub, dinner thrown on the floor, doctors appointments, worry, and the most intense heartache I have ever experienced.  I also received dimpled smiles every morning, first words, first steps, beautiful giggles, bright eyes, and an intensity of love and emotion I didn't know was possible. 

I do not want to make mothers feel guilty.  I have good friends and good mothers tell me they feel guilty for not enjoying every minute of motherhood when they know it is a precious gift.  I won't say that I cherished every minute of motherhood.  It is hard to wake up every three hours.  It is hard to haul a car seat everywhere you go.  It is hard to pump breast milk for 8 months.  It is hard to make dinner while a toddler demands your attention.  There were days when I longed for Jonah to sleep so that I could veg out and watch Survivor.  Sometimes when I could hear him waking up from a nap I would freeze like a deer in the headlights hoping he would fall asleep again.  Motherhood is hard, often mundane work. 

I just want to say that it is sacrifice that creates pure love.  I felt more love in the short 14 months Jonah lived than I have felt in my entire life.  I believe it is because I gave more of myself and my time to him than I have given to anyone else.  Now my time is my own again.  I can sleep or travel or work or play.  I could pursue a career, or a passion.  I am free to find fulfillment in my own endeavors, and yet I long to lose myself in motherhood again. 

He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.  Matthew 10:39