Sunday, February 1, 2015

A Season of Joy


On an indian summer day before Jonah died I remember feeling pure joy.  The moment was simple.  Jordan was home from work laying in the blue nylon hammock strung up between a fence post and our pine tree. Jonah was in his swing, giggling uncontrollably each time he approached my waiting arms.  His laugh was infectious and seemed to fill the air and my heart with the same magnitude.  I had a sweet moment where I recognized the pure joy that I felt.  It was a feeling of love and gratitude without fear or longing. It felt set apart and holy.  In hindsight I know that it was both of those things.  

Only a few days later our whole world seemed to crumble around us. We said goodbye to Jonah, soaked our pillows in tears, and tried to pick up the pieces of our home and family. 


In the three years that have passed since Jonah's death I have felt an amazing array of emotions. Some that I would not have believed were possible.  The day we lost Jonah I experienced indescribable pain and the feeling of my heart being crushed by the weight of intense sorrow.  In quiet lonely moments I have felt anger that burned inside of me and seemed unquenchable, peace that surpassed my limited understanding, and overwhelming fear as we faced seemingly endless disappointments.  I discovered a deep and new found empathy for the heartaches of loved ones and total strangers.  I have also fallen deeply in love with my husband as I have witnessed his kindness, endurance, and constant selflessness.  


But I am not sure I have recaptured the joy that I felt in that moment in our backyard.  I have experienced happiness, laughter, peace and love, but joy has felt elusive.

Twelve weeks ago Jordan and I began our third and final round of in vitro.  We had two remaining embryos to transfer and several obstacle to overcome including genetics, my killer immune system, and a blood clotting disorder.  I felt excited about the possibility of getting pregnant, but I also felt an overwhelming fear of the additional pain and heartache that might come with another miscarriage.  I woke up every night worried and anxious, my heart racing and my mind imagining all of the ways in which my heart could break again.


After a long two weeks of waiting I went for my first blood draw I braced myself for bad news and disappointment, but only good news followed.  I was pregnant and my hormone levels looked great.  Still each day I wondered if I felt sick enough or tired enough and waited for the signs of another failed pregnancy.  

At 6.5 weeks we went for our first ultrasound expecting the worst only to discover that we are pregnant with TWINS!  We were both stunned. 

We have had five ultrasounds and each time Jordan and I are a bundle of nerves, yet each time we have seen and heard beating hearts, wiggly arms and legs, and growing babies. It is nothing short of a miracle.

And yet I am still so afraid. Every day I wake up and wonder if I am still pregnant. I have been afraid to share the news because it feels like celebrating will inevitably be followed by heartache.  Each time I say the words "I'm pregnant...with twins" it feels like a lie or a crazy dream. But I am trying to be brave and say it and rejoice in it.  I want to be joyful and I want to share that joy with our amazing friends and family who have supported us, and prayed with us, and loved us through 5 very difficult years.  

I fully recognize that it is still early and anything could happen.  But I think my fear has become a barrier to the feeling of pure joy I want to recapture. I felt prompted this morning to read in the book of Ecclesiastes about times and seasons.  I read the following words:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Heaven knows that we have had our time to weep and mourn.  It has been a long, painful, and sometimes shockingly beautiful season.  But as I read this scripture I felt like I was given permission to move into a new season - a season of joy, and hope, and laughter.

21 comments:

  1. Thank-you for sharing your joy, fears and wonderful writing Julia. I am thrilled to read this news! I think it is wonderful and timely that you share as those who love you can now add our fervent prayers for you and the twins, Jordan too. Prayers for health, strength, courage and a coninuence of miracles.

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  2. Oh congratulations! And I'm sure God heard your prayers and calmed your sorrow at the horrendous loss of your first son, by giving you TWO. Our praters,are,with you for a healthy and happy pregnancy and super great delivery of two babies. Love The Snow's

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  3. Julia & Jordan, what happy news!! You and your babies will be in our thoughts and prayers. They are lucky to be coming to your home and family.

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  4. My prayers are with you for boundless joy, hope and laughter!

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  5. Prayers to both of you! You deserve all the blessings that are in store for you. Celebrate. Don't live in fewr. The opposite of fear is faith ♡

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  6. I'm so excited for you! I've been thinking about you everyday. So much love and prayers and best wishes for you and Jordan!
    --Mindy

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  9. Typos! Anyway, so very happy for you and Jordan, such wonderful news. I am so excited for these two little spirits to get such wonderful parents too! So much love, prays and support coming your way from PA! Love you guys!

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  10. Congratulations x 2! We are so excited for you and Jordan! Sending prayers, hugs and any support you need. Love you :)

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  11. Julie- I am so incredibility excited for you and your husband. So wonderful. Keeping you in my prayers. Heavenly Father is aware of each of us.

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  12. Julie- I am so incredibility excited for you and your husband. So wonderful. Keeping you in my prayers. Heavenly Father is aware of each of us.

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  13. Beautifully expressed, Julie! I am so happy for you and Jordan. I will be praying for you and your babies.

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  14. So excited for you and Jordan! Congratulations!

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  15. That is wonderful news! Congratulations to both of you. Thanks for being open and sharing. I'm always uplifted by your posts.

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  16. Oh my goodness Julie!!! To say that I am ecstatic is not enough. I sat here and clapped for a minute straight shouting hooray! This news makes my heart soo happy. You will continue to be in our prayers!

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  17. This post made ME feel joy! But really, I'm teary with gratitude for this moment at last! I'll be praying for you and those sweet, sweet babies. They don't know how lucky they are to be a part of your family. (Or maybe they do?)

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  18. We are all dancing with you! What a sacred and joyful time.

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  19. I love this so much! Bless all of you.

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  20. Oh my gosh, Julie! I hadn't checked your blog for a while, but today was drawn to it and I'm SO GLAD I read this!!!! I am smiling from ear to ear, filled with joy for you! Your little bump looks BEAUTIFUL and I am thoroughly happy and hopeful! Thanks for sharing your good news with me!

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