"I can't imagine what you are going through." These are words I hear a lot. No truer words can be spoken. Jonah's death is something I imagined occasionally when he was with me. When we were at the pool or the playground I thought about all the difficulty and danger in the world, and wondered how I could possibly protect him. I would gaze at his perfect body while he slept, and contemplate how I would ever survive if I lost him. And then it happened. I quickly discovered there is no imagination that can match the difficult reality of losing a child. There is sincere sympathy and empathy, and yet experience is the strictest and finest teacher.
Kelly, Finn, Ryan and Colum Pa
On Christmas Eve the Pack family were driving home from a family party. An SUV jumped the median and hit their car in a head-on collision. Both parents were critically injured, and their adorable little boy Colum (who was Jonah's age) died on Christmas day.
As I read about this family I wept, and I heard myself say to Jordan "I can't imagine..." I truly can't. I have lost my own little boy, but I can't imagine losing him because of a drunk driver. I can't imagine having a broken body and a broken heart. I can't imagine the heartache, the anger, and the physical and emotional pain that this family is feeling. Only they will ever know how it feels.
While I try to fathom their loss, I find hope in imagining the goodness and service, that will envelope the Pack family this year. I know it will come to them because it has come to me. This is an experience that I know by heart. There are many sympathetic hearts in the world. Many will try to imagine how the Pack family feels and then they will act. I am amazed by the simple and sometimes extraordinary ways people find to lift the burdens of broken hearts. I know that Ryan and Kelly will have the same experience. The abundance of pure love that follows tragedy is a phenomenon I could never have imagined.
Colum Pack
I hope when you hear of someone's tragedy, like mine, or the Pack family, you will find ways to help. If you can't think of what to do, use your imagination! Or read this post. If you have sent us letters, donated money, brought food, visited, called us, and countless other acts of service...thank you. It all helps. It all heals.
A few additional notes:
Colum's strong healthy heart now beats in another baby's body. Organ donation is a selfless choice, and a healing miracle. You can sign up to be an organ donor here.
If you feel inclined to help this deserving family you can do it here.
If you ever drink and drive you need to stop today.
Shortly after Jonah died Jordan and I realized that we didn't have a family picture. In Jonah's short life I took tons of pictures. I have hundreds of pictures of Jonah by himself, almost as many pictures of Jordan and Jonah together, and quite a few of Jonah with me. But we only have a handful of pictures of the three of us. The few we have are blurry, or one of us is not facing the camera. The majority are of us exhausted and unkempt shortly after Jonah was born. Despite their imperfections these pictures are precious to me. Even though I have these informal pictures of my family, it broke my heart that we didn't have a beautiful photo to remember our time together.
This Christmas we received the most amazing gift from Jordan's brother Quinn and his family. They gave us two framed pictures. The first was a photo of Jordan holding Jonah. It is so sweet. The second is an amazing picture of my sweet family taken at Jonah's baby blessing. When I saw it my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. I just wept and stared at the beautiful moment Quinn captured for us over a year ago. I am so grateful.
I received so many thoughtful, and beautiful gifts this Christmas. But this picture, this physical reminder that we were once and will always be a family, is the best Christmas gift I have ever received.
I really miss holding Jonah each night and singing to him. I don't have the best voice. My brother will tell you that I often change key mid song. When the notes get too high, especially with children's songs, I just stop singing, then resume when it comes back to an acceptable range. I have a horrible memory for lyrics, and often repeat myself. Most would not describe my singing as beautiful, but it always felt beautiful when I sang to Jonah.
I sang to him even before he had his hearing aid. When he was a newborn and crying I would hold his soft cheek against mine and sing "Baby Beluga," hoping the sound would travel through our connected bodies to his perfect inner ear. It always soothed him.
At night he would drink his bottle and play with my hair while I sang to him. I sang him the same songs over and over: You are My Sunshine, Baby Beluga, I am a Child of God, I Know My Savior Loves Me, and He Sent His Son. I often thought I should sing him something new, but I could never think of anything else to sing. In all my years of teaching, not to mention being raised by a preschool teacher, it surprised me that I could not think of any other songs. So these were our lullabies.
In the hospital, as I held his body, I sang him these songs again. My singing was stifled by tears and anguish, but I still sang to him. It was beautiful. The lyrics found new meaning to me as I sang...
You are My Sunshine
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
I am a Child of God
I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday
I Know My Savior Loves Me
I know He lives!
I will follow faithfully.
My heart I give to Him.
I know that my Savior loves me.
I will never forget the sacred sweetness of singing to my baby Jonah one last time. Lately I have been thinking about Christmas and one of these beautiful lullabies is floating around my heart and mind, He Sent His Son. Those four words are so significant to me this Christmas. John 3:16 reminds us,
For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
This is an amazing scripture. The phrase that Hegave His only begotten Son pierces my heart, as I think about losing my only son. I am grateful for the promises of Christmas. I am grateful for the hope of everlasting life. I am grateful He sent His son.
At the end of the song it says...
What does the Father ask of us?
What do the scriptures say?
Have faith, have hope, live like his Son,
Help others on their way.
What does he ask?
Live like his Son.
I am trying this Christmas season to have faith, to have hope, to live like His Son, and to help others on their way. So far it has been a season filled with simplicity, love, and beauty. I hope you can find peace in this simple lullaby, and have a meaningful and merry Christmas!
Today we were given two beautiful gifts. I needed them. This morning as we drove to church Jordan and I both felt lazy and tired. Although our church is a beautiful place, full of people who love us and have supported us, it is also a place where we are constantly in conversation about ourselves. Kind, and charitable people want to know how we are doing, and sometimes there is little more to say than "we're okay." It feels unnatural to have so much attention upon us, especially for Jordan. So as we drove to church, in our malaise, I prayed that we would have an experience today that would lift us, and we did.
The first gift came at the end of church. My beautiful, talented friend Vanessa presented me with an amazing quilt. The quilt is made of blocks decorated and stitched by the women and children of our congregation. Each square is unique and made with love. Some have messages of hope, some have Jonah's sweet name, some are simple outlines of the smallest hands. It is a gift that left me speechless. I plan to wrap myself up in it on days when the world seems cold and tiresome.
The second gift came just after we arrived home from church. The doorbell rang as I was making meatloaf. Hands filthy, I quickly washed them and rushed to the door, not sure who to expect. I opened the door to unfamiliar faces, a mother, a father and a son. The mother said, with tears in her eyes, that they heard about Jonah's passing and had a gift for us. On the porch was an adorable Thomas the Train Christmas tree from the Festival of Trees. This was no ordinary tree. This amazing tree was decorated by a family who lost one of their twin boys shortly after he was born. The card that came with the tree read:
This tree is a tribute to the love that a little boy has for his precious twin brother. Joshua and Caleb were born 5 years ago. Joshua stayed 5 weeks in the NICU and came home to his family just in time for Christmas. Caleb's stay in the NICU was for 3 short days before he returned to another home. As Joshua has grown, he has developed an awareness of Caleb and a desire to share the things he loves most with his buddy. Joshua loves trains and has donated his favorite Thomas to this tree. Caleb's other brothers and sister have also placed a train on this tree for Caleb.
Sometimes the emotion I feel seems too much for my body. I was so moved. The tree was purchased for us by the Live W/Elle Foundation, a foundation that was started after the tragic death of a beautiful 15 month old baby girl. It was brought to us by this kind and humble family.
I have truly been blessed with many gifts in the past 2 months. It is a gift to recognize that sorrow and heartache come to so many lives, that although my loss is unique my sorrow is not. It is a gift to know that I am not alone. It is a gift to be the recipient of Christ-like love and service from friends and neighbors, as well as total strangers. It is a gift to receive service that is given without the expectation of recognition, or reward. It is a gift to find connection with other mothers and fathers and families who have lost loved ones. It is a gift to feel true love poured out upon me. These are gifts given to me by my Heavenly Father, who loves me, and knows me. They come to me through His children, who know Him and love Him. I am so grateful.
