This week I feel my heart changing. I was blessed with an epiphany, a moment of clarity. In a fog, I watched my niece and nephew scamper around their house, running and laughing, and occasionally bursting into tears. I watched them and my heart ached for Jonah. I imagined him in their midst, full of life and joy. He was the epitome of joy. I pictured my former self and wondered how I could have prepared for the devastation of losing him.
My epiphany is echoed in the inspired words of Lance Wickman, who also lost his son.
Please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning.
As I look toward the future I realize that the difficulties of life will happen. My small, or large, reserve of doubt will not save me from disappointment, but it may handicap my ability to love. It may stop me from feeling God's love for me. It may blind my spiritual eyes. It may keep me from playing with my beautiful niece and nephew. It may halt my dreams and ambitions. It may dull and deaden my heart.
Belief is the only antidote for doubt. I want to renovate this small chamber in my heart. Little by little I plan to excavate the doubt from my heart, and replace it with belief. I will remind myself that doubt is a hinderance, not a protection. I will prepare myself for future, for the potential depths of grief, with the knowledge that I have loved completely, without reservation, and with no more room for doubt.
Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.