New Year

Jonah's Laughing Heart

In the past I have made complicated resolutions at the new year.  I have divided my life into categories, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and created specific measurable attainable goals to achieve in each area.  This method has helped me feel productive in the past.  I find that this year I am not interested in being productive, I want to be whole.

A few days ago as I contemplated the new year I remembered this poem by Charles Bukowski.  I love this poem and love the title.

The Laughing Heart.   

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

My life is different than it used to be, but it is still mine.  I have come to realize that there is very little that I control, and heartache is inevitable.  Despite this I control the most important aspects of my life, my heart, my hope, my willingness to step through open doors.  My resolution for the new year is simple.  No complicated plans, no exercise goals, no self-denial.  It breaks all the rules of goal making, it is not time specific or measurable.  I simply want to recognize light in my life.  I want to see the beauty along with the pain.  I hope that the light I find will magnify.  I hope that this effort will make me whole again.  I hope to remember that I am marvelous and that the gods wait to delight in me. 

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Psalm 139:14

Night

It seems as though each day I become aware of a new mother that has lost a sweet child.  Tonight is no different.  What a sacred and sorrowful awareness.  As I sit and ponder loss I remember a poem that my dear friend Mindy sent to me the night Jonah died.  It is beautiful and brought me a moment of comfort in my darkest longest night.  

The Night by Carol Lynn Pearson

Grief

Is a narrow thing,
Tight against
My breath --
Begging an answer
To unanswerable
Death.

I’m remembering
A sunrise.
I saw the bright
Quick streams of light
Sing gold across
The sky.
And it came to me then
How essential
Is the night:
For only from dark
Do we know dawn
At all.

the memory lets
One small solace in.
If we must endure an end
To know the endless --
Oh, gladly
will I let you go:
that when I see you
Standing at the door
To that more
Permanent place,

How quickly
I’ll recognize
The eternal
In your embrace.