Waiting

Have you ever been stuck on an airplane?  Of course you have!  What a silly question.  Surely you have felt the fidgety anxiety of landing after a long journey and waiting to disembark.  Maybe you are one of those people who stands up as soon as the "fasten seat belt" sign stops glowing, head crooked, bag in hand, hoping to somehow speed up the process.  Even worse is the agony of boarding a plane, anticipating a long flight, and just sitting on the runway for what seems like an eternity, waiting for some unseen storm in Denver to pass, or repairs to be made.  Lately, I feel as though I'm stuck on a runway, anxious to move to a new destination, but stuck nonetheless.  Just waiting. 

In November, I began to feel restless, like I needed to get a job.  I'll be honest I moved forward with a some serious resentment in my heart.  I never anticipated losing my job as a mother, losing my only child.  I had been laid off in the worst possible way and each day was a struggle to accept my new reality.  I can work part-time, I thought, at an easy job, that doesn't require too much of me.  At first I just threw resumes at random jobs, sloppily filled in online applications, and was shocked when I didn't even get a phone call.  My pride and ego were more than slightly bruised.  I honestly thought God would just hand me a job, to compensate for all my heartache.  But instead he let me wait.  

I stepped up my game, if only to preserve my own dignity.  Applying for jobs became a hobby, a way to spend my free time.  I perfected my resume, and cover letters.  I began to get interviews, but felt stumped by questions regarding my ambition, and my goals.  "My goal is to get a job" I thought.  "My goal is to have something to do each day."  I clearly lacked enthusiasm, was unprepared, and the jobs passed me by.  I began to ponder "what do I really want?" and continued to wait.

Jordan and I counted last night.  To date, I have had 12 interviews, and been rejected 11 times.  I look back at some jobs and think that I narrowly avoided disaster.  I would have been miserable working in the NICU of the hospital, surrounded by sick, sometimes dying children.  Why did I think that would be good for me?  I would have been emotionally fatigued working for Donor Services.  Again what was I thinking?   Driving to and from Park City everyday for minimal pay and no benefits would have been a drain on my time and resources.  There are so many reason why I shouldn't be working in some of the jobs I've applied for.  My rejection from other jobs seems fickle or bizarre.  A department at BYU wanted to offer me a job, only to find out that they couldn't because of nepotism policies.  Nothing has worked out, and nothing has felt right. 

The amazing thing to me is that I don't feel discouraged.  I feel guided.  Each door that closes feels like a redirection, a funneling towards something greater.  I recognize a change in myself, an awakening to my own potential.   In the past two weeks I have applied for jobs that I really want, that pay well, that match my qualifications, and that excite me.   It has taken me 6 months of emotional and mental work to emerge from my previous dreams, and to recognize that I can have new dreams.  Waiting has brought me to a new understanding of myself and my purpose.   

Back to my plane analogy.  I find that the frustration of being stuck on a stuffy plane is usually met with some peace in knowing that my safety is being considered.  As much as we may complain, each of us knows that it is better to wait than to fly with a faulty engine.  It is better to wait than to take off in severe weather.  I believe the same is true in each of our lives. 

As opportunities pass me by and plans fall by the wayside, I try to place my trust in the Lord.  I trust that he will preserve me.  As I wait I absolutely believe that God has been repairing necessary portions of my soul.  He is keeping me grounded until conditions are perfect, so I can fly without fear of falling.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.  Isaiah 40:13