Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Weeping

A few days ago I was surfing the internet mindlessly, killing time. Jordan was out of town working and I was truly by myself for the first time since Jonah's death. I was looking for distraction and found it. I clicked on someone's Facebook link for The Sing Off, a show I haven't followed at all. Jordan and I don't even have a TV. Anyway, before I knew it I watched about 10 videos, and finally randomly clicked on this video without noticing the title. The song is called "If I Die Young" and includes these lyrics...

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and Life ain't always what you think it ought to be,
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

And this is how the weeping happens, triggered by the simplest phrase or song. A song I would have dismissed as sappy at any other time in my life. The reaction is sudden, it is unpredictable, and it is not pretty. The word weeping itself is far too delicate to describe the reality of the situation. The reality is convulsive, crumbling, and full of snot. It is physically painful. It makes my forehead hurt, and trying to hold it back hurts even more. I always feel better after this kind of crying, but I don't enjoy is like touching a bruise, you want to feel just enough pain to remind you of the original wound, but at the same time know that you are healing.

Here are some other songs that trigger the weeping...

He'll Carry You by Hilary Weeks

Not Enough by Emmylou Harris

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) by The Dixie Chicks

Consider the Lilies by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir


  1. Oh Julie. I heard that song on the Sing Off and I didn't even really think about it. Oh how much you must ache. I am so sorry.

  2. I scared my neighbor to death yesterday when I answered the door (which I only did because it was her). I had cried a big, ugly, crazy cry the night before and the aftermath was the puffiest eyes I have ever had! I looked like I had been punched.

  3. Oh Julie, this makes my heart ache. I know the feeling of sobbing/weeping, and it is physically and emotionally painful, but somehow feels necessary and the only possible response. ((hugs))