I woke up this morning feeling weak. Jonah has been gone for two months today. I think I am still in denial. Sometimes when I type blog posts, or read books on grief, or talk to other grieving moms I have to remind myself why I am doing it, why it resonates with me. I have lost my only child. It is not that I ever forget that Jonah died, but sometimes it seems so unbelievable that my mind can't really comprehend it. I can't seem to get out of bed in the morning. It takes me a while. Usually I read until my back hurts and then I'm so uncomfortable I get up. This morning I grabbed Stand a Little Taller by Gordon B. Hinckley, it has a scripture and thought for each day. I flipped to November 29 and read the following scripture from the Book of Mormon:
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27
I have read this scripture many times. I always thought it applied to specific weaknesses. For example, if you are not good at public speaking, humble yourself, rely on God, and He will help you be a good public speaker. Although I think it can work that way, I have a new view of it's meaning.
In the last two months I have been shown my weakness. My mom had a heart attack over the weekend, my sister has five children and is getting divorced, my son died, my dear friend lost her baby at 20 weeks, and other members of my family are struggling. It is very clear to me that I possess very little control of the world around me. This lack of control has been very humbling. I realize that my weakness is not a singular character flaw, it is a state of being.
Many people have told me they are impressed that I have turned to God in my trials. My response is that I am too afraid to go it alone. I feel so vulnerable and defenseless, like anything could happen in life, and I really need help. I need to be strengthened. I feel stronger when I pray for help. I feel stronger when I read God's promises in the scriptures. I feel stronger when I go to church. I feel stronger when I attend the temple. I have turned to God because I want to feel strong again. Honestly, I don't know what else to do. So I try to be faithful, and believe that God's grace will help me feel strong, that my constant weakness will eventually become my constant strength, and that maybe some morning I will want to get out of bed.
2 months... Crazy. When you say 2 months it sounds like a short time, yet it feels so long. My weakness right now is feeling so helpless to make anything better. I want to fix it, change it. It is an interesting thing to see such pain and heartache in those you love most. It's rather overwhelming. I too feel stronger with the hope of God's grace. One morning at a time Julie. More patience in suffering. I'm proud of you for getting out of bed at any time of the day!
ReplyDeleteWow, that's a lot of simultaneous testing on the home front.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post, sweet lady.
My biggest frustration with this process is the time it takes for weak things to be come strong. I always want it today, now, but I have come to understand that God will not be rushed. He allows "patience to have its perfect work." Thank you for sharing where you are at with this process. It is so helpful to hear about your experiences.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea that we are given "weakness" generally that we might come to him for strength. That is powerful. I think that interpretation is much more true and compelling than the general idea that we have a specific weakness and can become strong in that area. We ARE weak, here in mortality, but turning to God we can find strength and over time become strong like Him. Thank you for sharing this. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletejulie, thank you for sharing the inner thoughts of your heart. you are both amazing. we pray for you both often and it has been touching for me to read your blog. you are amazing!
ReplyDeletea few days ago we sent a balloon to jonah.
Thank you...just thank you.
ReplyDeleteI saw your post on United Angels a while back. Also Jordan works for My Mom and Jason at Tour West. Thanks for sharing that scripture. We went in for a preoperative appointment for out daughter to get open heart surgery today and she didn't pass because she had a steroid given for croup within 7 days . I was wondering why God would make me go through this pain to prepare my self all over again, and can't we ever catch a break. That just totally helped me. Thank You!
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