I woke up this morning feeling weak. Jonah has been gone for two months today. I think I am still in denial. Sometimes when I type blog posts, or read books on grief, or talk to other grieving moms I have to remind myself why I am doing it, why it resonates with me. I have lost my only child. It is not that I ever forget that Jonah died, but sometimes it seems so unbelievable that my mind can't really comprehend it.
I can't seem to get out of bed in the morning. It takes me a while. Usually I read until my back hurts and then I'm so uncomfortable I get up. This morning I grabbed Stand a Little Taller by Gordon B. Hinckley, it has a scripture and thought for each day. I flipped to November 29 and read the following scripture from the Book of Mormon:
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. Ether 12:27
I have read this scripture many times. I always thought it applied to specific weaknesses. For example, if you are not good at public speaking, humble yourself, rely on God, and He will help you be a good public speaker. Although I think it can work that way, I have a new view of it's meaning.
In the last two months I have been shown my weakness. My mom had a heart attack over the weekend, my sister has five children and is getting divorced, my son died, my dear friend lost her baby at 20 weeks, and other members of my family are struggling. It is very clear to me that I possess very little control of the world around me. This lack of control has been very humbling. I realize that my weakness is not a singular character flaw, it is a state of being.
Many people have told me they are impressed that I have turned to God in my trials. My response is that I am too afraid to go it alone. I feel so vulnerable and defenseless, like anything could happen in life, and I really need help. I need to be strengthened. I feel stronger when I pray for help. I feel stronger when I read God's promises in the scriptures. I feel stronger when I go to church. I feel stronger when I attend the temple. I have turned to God because I want to feel strong again. Honestly, I don't know what else to do. So I try to be faithful, and believe that God's grace will help me feel strong, that my constant weakness will eventually become my constant strength, and that maybe some morning I will want to get out of bed.