Monday, April 16, 2012
I remember learning about the phantom pain of amputees. Individuals who have lost an arm or leg often feel pain in their missing limb. I feel like I understand a different kind of phantom pain. Part of my life has been removed, but I still feel him sometimes as if he is still a part of me. Even in the midst of pain, I am grateful to feel him in any way I can.
Each night I pray that I will be able to feel Jonah's presence in my daily life. In the beginning I hoped that he would come to me in a vision, or a dream. A grand revelation would surely set my mind at ease, and make life more bearable. I went to the temple and waited for his visitation. I wanted a clear and obvious encounter so I could believe, without a doubt, that I would be with him again. It hasn't come.
Instead I am learning to rely on the subtle and simple moments of life. Like the moments when I feel him at my feet while I do the dishes. Or when I weep at night and the words come to my mind, "Mom, its okay. It will all be okay." Sometimes I find myself alone saying, "Jonah, I miss you, where are you?", and then a simple peace comes. It is not grand, it is not intense, but these small moments give me hope. They move me forward. I don't know how I am supposed to interact with Jonah these days, or how to be his mother from an immeasurable distance, but I do believe that I can feel his presence. Sometimes in my heart, in my mind, and in my home.
I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves. Joseph F. Smith